he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
