I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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