i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
