I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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