He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
