he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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