She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
