I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He passed out mid-signature
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
