If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
