She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
