I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
