It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
They took my balls.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
