Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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