the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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