True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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