it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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