Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
