i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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