Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
birth control should be required to get into college
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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