i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
