i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize