This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You pole danced in your parka.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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