Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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