I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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