i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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