If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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