There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
