Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
