I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize