I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
