you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
