My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
