I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
