Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
