I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize