you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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