I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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