Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
