i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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