My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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