I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
