Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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