I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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