the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
