My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
