then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
you never un-have a 4some
I look excited, but its just a facade.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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