Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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