Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
