Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
