I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
