Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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