Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
