Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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