I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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