I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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