yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
