Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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